Excerpt from Bob, P.I.

Another little passage from Bob, P. I. 


The two thieves, unkempt and redneck, turned and stood next the pickup.


“You here ’bout the Craigslist ad?”  One of the scraggly looking dudes asked.


“Observations Mr, Spock.”  Bob turned to Nick.


“Two lower forms of humanoid life, Captain.  I believe they were known as white trailer trash.”  Nick replied.


“What the …?”  One of the men remarked.


“Look.  You want that computer on Craigslist?”  The other hillbilly asked.  He looked back at the television. “Almost new.  Ain’t never been dropped or nothin’.  Or, you like this TV?  I don’t need it.  My old lady don’t like it no more.  Give you a deal.”


“Your old lady?”  Bob smiled “You mean the one you pushed down at WalMart?”  Bob turned to Nick “Someone needs to talk to Mrs. Fentress about her taste in men.”


“You cops?”  One of the men asked.


“No.” Nick answered.


“Then what are you?”  The man pursued.


“I’m an asshole.” Nick answered “He’s a bigger asshole.”


One of the hilbilly’s reached into the bed of the truck and came up with a rusted tire iron and a thick wooden rod a little shorter than a yard stick.  He handed the rod to the other man.


Nick chuckled.  “Really gentlemen?  That’s what you have?”


“Do gooders.”  One of the men said “Didn’t know we still had those.”


“Yeah, this ain’t none of ya’lls business, you know?”  The other one added “It ain’t nothin but a TV.”


“Don’t care about the television.”  Bob added “You pushed a woman.”


“So?”  One of the men asked “Still ain’t none of your business.  Not mindin your own business can get you hurt sometimes.”


“And here I was hoping we could come to an understanding.”  Bob said.


The two men looked at each other, lost.  “So, you do want the TV?”  One of them finally asked.


“This TV?”  Bob gestured and the men nodded in unison.  “I don’t want THIS TV.  This TV doesn’t work at all.” 


“What you sayin?”  One of the greasers wondered.  “This TV still in the box like new.”


“Got a big hole in it.”  Bob said.


“Huh?  No it don’t”.  The man countered.


“Does now.”  Bob answered.  In a quick, smooth movement he reached under his suit jacket, pulled the pistol from its holster and shot the television dead center.  Shreds of cardboard from the box filled the air with confetti and the two men dropped their weapons. 


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