This play has been in my head for weeks now.  I’m finally well into writing it down.  I keep seeing some of my theater friends in the roles.

Carl:

Trouble, son?

 

Chris:

How could I have trouble when the pony tail twins invade my home?

 

Spencer:

We are about to go.  Sammy is staying with friends for the weekend.

 

Chris:

Right.  The big, mystery business trip.

 

Spencer:

No mystery.  In fact …  He is interrupted by Rudy’s entrance.

 

Rudy:

Dad.

 

Chris:

Don’t be rude, son.  Even to your love child uncle.  He was talking.

 

Spencer:

It’s OK.

 

Rudy:

Dad, do I have to go out there and pick up my bike in the back yard.  Mom said.

 

Chris:

You certainly do.

 

Rudy:

OK, then.  Grandpa, Uncle Spencer I love you.

 

Spencer:

Love you too, buddy.

 

Rudy:

I thought I should tell you.  They’re sending me out in the cold and wet with no shoes.  I might not come back.  He exits.

 

Annie and Ashley enter and go to Chris.  Carl and Spencer sit in the lawn chairs and start looking through the folder Carl is carrying, discussing the paperwork.  Rudy re-enters and looks over the shoulders of Spencer and Carl as they continue talking.

 

Annie:

We are packed and ready to go.  I should get those two moving toward the airport.  You never know how long these things will take.

 

Chris:

Oh, good. While everyone is here I want to ask you something.  Everyone looks at him.  He is nervous.  What do you think of this joke as like an opening monologue to a roast or something.

The guy comes out…

 

Spencer:

That’s the joke?

 

Chris:

No Timothy Leary.  The guy comes to the microphone, podium, whatever first before he tells the jokes.

 

Carl:

Walking out could be funny too if you add a little non verbal humor to it.

 

Annie:

No mimes please.  Anyway.

 

Annie:

Carl. Let Chris talk.  He’s trying to tell us.

 

Chris:

Thanks Mom.  Anyway.  The MC or whoever comes to the microphone.  He’s obviously nervous.

He says, (Quickly) My Mother-In-Law died and I stopped drinking.  I had little purpose in life since I could no longer be a disappointment.  He stops and looks at them.

Everyone silent for a few seconds.  Missy enters and stands by Rudy, etc.

 

Rudy:

Did Grandma die?

 

Missy:

What?

 

Ashley:

Chris!  No honey she’s fine.

 

Spencer:

I don’t understand.

 

Chris:

Of course YOU don’t.  No, see it’s a joke any comedian or whatever could tell.  It isn’t true.  It’s a joke.

 

Annie:

I don’t think Ashley’s mother would find it funny.  Why are you doing jokes now?

 

Ashley:

Yes, why are you telling jokes?

 

Chris:

You know.  That company dinner thing is coming up.  Glen hates doing the MC thing.  I thought I could take it off his hands.

 

Ashley:

OK, then.  I wouldn’t use that joke.

 

Chris:

So no one liked it?

 

Rudy:

I like it if Grandma didn’t die.

 

Carl:

I liked the bones of it.  It could be funny with some work.

 

Chris:

Great.  I have the ringing endorsement of two people with the minds of eight year olds.

 

Carl:

See son, non show people think what we do is easy.  Because we make it look so natural.  Being creative is hard work.

 

Chris:

And you are in show business now?

 

Carl:

I have a gig booked next month at the new pretzel shop opening in the mall.  If construction is finished, that is.

 

Chris:

As Carl The Mime?

 

Carl:

No. As Carl The World’s Only Talking Mime.  I get a small stipend plus all I can eat.

 

Chris:

Wonderful.  Have Spencer The World’s Only Druggy Retired 70’s Hippie Throwback Business Magnate Living In A Trailer come along with you.  Then the whole town can see the craziness I deal with.

 

Spencer:

I don’t do drugs or alcohol.  I do life, man.

 

Carl:

It’s a paid gig.  A start on a new career.

 

Chris:

Great.  In this career you will not lack for pretzels. Throws up his hands.  Never mind everyone!  Forget I said anything.  Go back to whatever you were doing.  Everyone goes back to what they were doing before Chris told the joke.